Introducing Captain Awesome
Everyone knows a Smith… John Smith, Mary Smith, Jebediah Smith, you name it. One Douglas Allen Smith Jr. of Oregan decided to become one less Smith in the world, an awesome change for him.
So awesome in fact, he felt obliged to change his name to Captain Awesome. His inspiration came from the NBC television show, Chuck, which features a Dr. Devon Woodcomb, with a nickname of “Captain Awesome”.
such a flattering angle
Mr. Awesome, an unemployed cabinet installer, both related to and found it funny that Dr. Woodcomb’s father gave him the nickname because, according to his father, a “poor nickname builds good character.” Not a lot to live up to in name but since Captain Awesome could no longer build cabinets, character was probably the next best thing.
Oddly, the wannabe Captain Awesome had a hard time convincing the Lane County judge assigned to Mr. Smith of his degree of seriousness behind the name change. The judge asked that he swear the name change was not for fraudulent reasons. Fortunately for the former Doug Smith, nothing is a more real desire than having the nickname of a fake character on a television show.
When signing the paper requested by the judge, Smith made a request of his own, that he be allowed to sign his name as a right arrow, a smiley, and finally a left arrow, though this in no way spells out C-A-P-T-A-I-N A-W-E-S-O-M-E. The judge allowed this, however his bank would not accept the signature for his account, as it could easily be forged.
Santa’s Strippers
Over a year ago, in November of 2009, Deja Vu of Las Vegas, a company that owns several strip clubs, introduced a truck with clear plastic sides and strippers in bikinis inside as a promotion. However, the club had to give up their “strippermobile” after officials and residents complained that the truck was inappropriate, a complete surprise considering the half naked gyrating girls inside the truck.
The spirit of Christmas is bringing out the truck again this year, but in a much more acceptable manner. This Friday, Deja Vu used the same controversial vehicle to deliver donations to the HELP charity of Southern Neveda, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping the poor. The truck was one of many transporting nineteen thousand dollars worth of donated bicycles and toys.
This time the truck held a costumed, bearded, and rather jolly Santa Claus inside its clear plastic. Rather than dancing strippers, the truck also featured the female entertainers dressed in long red dresses or camisoles with leggings.
an elderly stripper i suppose
Oscar Goodman, the mayor of Las Vegas and a man with a very reassuring last name, approved of the recycling of the “strippermobile” for holiday use by appropriately attired entertainers. He said, “As far as I’m concerned, we are an adult playground and we’re going to be an adult wonderland.”
The organization receiving the donations also had no problem with accepting gifts from patrons and employees of a strip club. “They are a legal, licensed business in our community,” said Fuilala Riley, HELP’s chief operations officer. “Their employees are part of our community, and they have children, too.”
Gary Nemeth of Deja Vu hopes “to challenge the other strip clubs,” he said. “We’re a small club. Think what those megaclubs can do.”
Cupcakes Can Lead to Cuffs
Remember your childhood summers? They probably consisted of laughter, ice cream trucks, swimming, bike rides, and of course the classic lemonade stand, selling cool beverages and perhaps even some homemade treats to neighbors, friends, and family. Some kids even had the brains to carry over the wonderful event of lemonade stands into the cooler months. So who would think that these childhood business endeavors could in fact be illegal?
Two young boys in Chappaqua, New York found this out the hard way Monday, when the police were called to their stand.
The two thirteen year old boys, Andrew DeMarchis and Kevin Graff, were running a small stand in Chappaqua park, selling cupcakes, brownies, Rice Krispie treats, and other baked goods to children, parents, runners, and other park attendees. Sounds innocent enough, right?
Wrong… at least it seemed so for Councilman Wolfensohn.
New Castle Councilman Michael Wolfensohn felt obliged to call the police to the park. The boys had been selling their homemade goods without a permit, therefore breaking the law. As a civil servant, the councilman must have felt he had a duty to clear these hardcore, brownie pushing adolescents off the park paths. He has said that rules are rules, and children must be no exception.
Since the incident, Andrew and Kevin have not gone back to their bakery stand business. Laura Graff, the mother of Kevin Graff, said the two boys are “good kids,” and that the police call really scared them. It looks like Chappaqua park-goers are going to have to satisfy their sweet tooth some other way.
One Night in Kentucky…
In May 2010 a bizarre story was published, telling of an incident during which two men forced Harvey Westmoreland to eat his own beard after a dispute between the three at a bar in Lawrenceburg, Kentucky. The exact story is unknown as all three were extremely intoxicated that night. In fact, one of the two men now being charged in the Kentucky court system, forty-seven year old Troy Holt, could not remember why he forced Westmoreland to eat his beard, but he did remember that things “got out of control.” The forced consumption of facial hair kind of implies that to most people.
What apparently went down that hairy night went something along the lines of this. Holt cut off Westmoreland’s beard and forced the drunken man to eat it while his partner in crime, fifty-one year old James Hill, held a sickle blade up to Westmoreland, though how a sickle blade appeared in the bar is undetermined. It could be the Grim Reaper made a pit stop at the bar earlier in the night; who knows what goes on in Kentucky?
This past Tuesday, Hill and Holt were tried and sentenced in Anderson Circuit Court of Kentucky. The two men received a sentence of probation, and neither is to have any contact with Westmoreland, who is probably still picking hair out of his mouth from the unusual incident.
After sentencing, Holt commented that he “ain’t got no excuses about what I done.” Hill, on the other hand, made no comment as to whether or not he ‘got’ a carefully crafted excuse for ‘what he done.’
Back to the Big House
Idaho may be known for their potatoes, but one resident wanted more than homegrown taters. So he robbed Cedars Inn in Lewiston, Idaho. The suspect walked into the hotel as if he were a guest late Wednesday, then in a very non guest-like way he pulled a gun out and demanded cash from the desk clerk.
After the robbery, the suspect, Donald Mosley Jr., allegedly went next door to a bar for a drink. Yes, a drink.
Perhaps he needed to calm his nerves or maybe he wanted to celebrate his new wealth. Either way it didn’t take the police very long to locate him. In fact the police apprehended the forty year old suspect in less than fifteen minutes. The man was then booked into the Nez Perce County Jail early the next the morning and now faces felony robbery charges.
However Mosley already knows his way around a jail cell. This is his second arrest in recent weeks. The accommodations there must be wonderful, seeing as he was in such a hurry to go back.
Mosley’s first arrest was for calling in a fake fire report on a pay phone. Now why would he want to do this? It seems the man was denied a cup of coffee at the Lewiston fire station. He then decided the perfect way to get back at those coffee-hoarding firefighters would obviously be to trick them into thinking there was fire and then making them not have to risk their lives to put one out! Suckers.
Shot and still hungry
A shooting in New Haven, Connecticut Tuesday resulted in a man going home, eating his sandwich, and going to the hospital…in that order.
A twenty-five year old Connecticut resident, Miguel Soto, was shot outside a deli after buying his lunch. Soto said he was leaving when he heard three gun shots, two of which actually hit him. One bullet hit his left leg and the other hit his groin.
It seems the poor guy had no idea he had been shot; he returned home after the shooting and ate his sandwich. That or he was really hungry and decided the gunshot wounds could wait to be treated. Imagine Soto’s surprise when he looked down from his sandwich and saw his leg and groin bleeding. It couldn’t have been very pretty.
The man and his father immediately went to the hospital once the gunshots were seen. Fortunately, neither injury was fatal. As of Thursday, no arrests for the shooting have been reported.
Also fortunate for Soto is a new greeting card from American Greetings Corporation. His loved ones can show they care by sending him a card that doubles as a whoopie cushion. There is nothing better to cheer up a shooting victim than a greeting card that can cut the cheese.
But of course these farting cards are appropriate for any occasion. Got a wedding? Give the happy couple a toot of love. The line of cards is appropriately named “It’s a gas!” and is actually able to be signed and placed into envelopes, making the fart affect an enjoyable surprise to the reader.
I walked for Congo… the least you can do is read some facts about it.
Here are some basic, key facts about the conflict in Congo:
1. The conflict in Congo has lasted for five years so far.
2. It is basically a civil war with the government forces (supported by Angola, Zimbabwe, and Namibia) opposing the rebel forces (supported by Uganda and Rwanda).
3. The life expectancies in Congo are significantly lower than those in the U.S. The life expectancy for men is only 46 years and for women is only 49 years. The life expectancy in the United States is 78.4 years.
4. It is estimated that over 3 million people have died in this war, either from the fighting or from disease and malnutrition.
5. The gross national income per capita of Congo is only $150, while the United States has a GNI of about $48, 430 per capita.
God bless the people involved in or affected by this conflict.
Pool Time for the Buffalo
Imagine you walk out onto your patio one bright, sunny morning to breathe in the nice, fresh air of good ‘ol Georgia (just go with it for a second). While appreciating the beautiful Georgian scenery all around you, you see a couple holes in your pool cover and wonder just how that could have happened.
Now imagine you walk over to the pool and find a buffalo in there. Yes, I said a buffalo… in a pool… in Georgia.
Well, in Cleveland, Georgia, this exact scenario occurred for Mr. and Mrs. Nonnemaker. Last Saturday they walked outside to enjoy the morning, noticed holes in their pool’s cover, and saw some slight movement underneath. After pulling the cover back, the couple saw a buffalo, who was not actually there to enjoy a cool, refreshing swim.
The buffalo came from their neighbor’s house. The neighbor just happened to have buffalo, though I am not sure how common this is anywhere, let alone in Georgia. Three of their them ran away two weeks before the pool incident. Two of the buffalo were quickly found, but the one remained lost until his dip in the pool.
Nonnemaker called the police for help and videotaped as they used ropes to coax the buffalo into the shallow end of the pool and then completely out of the pool.
Unfortunately, the story did not end happily. The owners of the buffalo decided to put down the animal, though it is unknown exactly why this was necessary. All I can say is, I’m glad the animal had a chance to experience swimming before his time came.
Just a little something to lighten the mood.
Overweight? Working at McDonald’s? Sue the Clown!
A man in Brazil recently sued McDonald’s for 17.5 thousand dollars. Why? Because he gained 65 pounds working there over a dozen years. That’s about five and a half pounds a year.
So now why is this McDonald’s fault? I’m honestly still not sure. The unidentified man, now thirty-two years old, claimed he felt obligated to try the food everyday to ensure that the quality of the meals prepared was good enough when “mystery clients” hired by McDonald’s came to the restaurant. These “mystery clients” reported back to McDonald’s on the franchise’s food quality, service, and cleanliness.He also said that because the company offers their employees free lunch, he was eating added calories during the day.
Let me just say that blaming weight gain on the companies that make fatty products is ridiculous. People are responsible for what they do, which includes what they eat. You can’t sue a company just because you ordered too many fries over the years, especially if you didn’t have to pay for those fries.
Also, McDonald’s has said that they do offer some healthier options that the complainant could have chosen for his lunches. “The chain offers a large variety of options and balanced menus to cater (to) the daily dietary needs of its employees,” McDonald’s stated.
Even more surprising than the court case is the ruling. Judge Joao Ghisleni Filho ruled that McDonald’s has to pay the man for his weight gain. However, the judge did say that McDonald’s could appeal the case. Now, the Brazilian headquarters of the chain, located in Porto Alegre, Brazil, said in an e-mail that they are now weighing their legal options.
He Just Couldn’t Put the Book Down
In Williamsburg, Virginia, a man returned a novel he checked out to the library of the College of William & Mary. What’s so special about this every day event? Well, this novel was not checked out two weeks ago or even a couple months ago. The novel was checked out in 1975 and was only returned this Friday.
The man who held onto the book for thirty-five years is Pat Harkin, an alumnus of the College of William & Mary. He checked out the book of Leon Uris “QB VII” while attending the college. Though I thought the man might be a really slow reader or loved the book so much he could not bear the thought of returning it to the library, the book was actually just lost in a box and forgotten. I understand this perfectly, seeing as I forget things I did yesterday, much less thirty-five years ago, that is if I was at least thirty-six years old, which I am obviously not.
When he found the novel thirty-five years later, he planned to return it to the library at one of the homecomings, but he wasn’t able to until Friday.
The late fee for thirty-five years would have been one thousand four hundred dollars, at an overdue rate of a dime per day. Fortunately, the library’s late fees stop at thirty-five dollars, or the guy would have to dish out some serious cash for a novel that probably only cost about twenty-five dollars.
Harkin decided to give a cash donation to the College of William and Mary. The donation is more than the thirty-five dollar overdue fee and less than the one thousand four hundred dollars he could have owed.
